“… furthermore, I’d like to put forth the Federal “I’d Tap That” Initiative, allowing lonely bro’s with Cucask hair, three free cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon for every weeknight that they go to a bar, in order to develop enough ‘Liquid Courage’ to be able to go and talk to babes who are sick and tired of being in hit on by Ed Hardy bros. also: i abolish the use of the term hipster because it is outdated and meaningless. no, really, it really is.
(applause, feral whooping)
this is a generation raised on John Cusack and Lisa Loeb. i mean, jesus christ, did anyone see Garden State? that movie was fucking awful. men: buck the fuck up and get your hands dirty once in a while and stop whining about feelings. women: chill out, oh my god, having a penis is like having Gilbert Gottfried as an inner monologue, just chill out, we’ll work it out, i love you, we love you. just relax a little and maybe once a month allow us to pretend that your boobs are indeed radio dials - because that joke will never get old, i swear, as President Of The United States.
(further applause, Slash plays a short guitar solo, 1991 Axl Rose wails something unintelligible about ‘Healthcaaaaaaaaarrrrrrre’)
my fellow Americans, thank you for your time.
(deafening applause, Obama exits on rope swing to theme from Pirates Of The Caribbean, congressman paint faces and have food fight)
- Barack Obama, State Of The Union (Directors Cut)